I don’t want to lose another.

I tried to explain to someone why your choices hurt me so much the other day.

It dawned on me that I have already lost one brother, I don’t want to lose another. Be it through your drug use killing you or me reaching the point of no longer having your in my life like dad. It’s not what I want.

We have wildly different memories of how we grew up. My memories are largely happy and we were always siblings and friends because we grew up in such a rural location. I have tons of pictures of you being goofy and fun before all of this started. You were so happy. We all were.

When J. died, I realized that he and I had never gone more than a couple of weeks not talking. We go longer than that and usually that’s when you are using again. In fact, if I haven’t heard from you at least by text for 3 weeks or longer, it’s likely you’re using again.

You talk a lot about not having friends or anyone to do things with, but you pushed away the actual friends you have had all along by choosing drugs over family. The people you’ve chosen in place of the people who have been there all along are not your friends. They are there to use you. They are there to keep you down. Your family can be your friends but not when the Meth Monster rears its ugly head.

I’ve said it a thousand times but your choices don’t just impact you. I’ve spent more time than I can count worrying about you. Even before you started using meth, I would worry about you hurting yourself. I would call mom and tell her to watch you closer while I was away. I’ve spent basically your whole life worrying about you. All the years I lived in SD, I would just get a feeling. Those feelings were usually right.

I can’t even imagine how mom feels. She’s lost a husband to drugs. She lost a son to illness. She doesn’t need to lose another son. Your choices impact her health more than you know. The Meth Monster will end up killing you and mom.

I don’t want to lose any more of my family than I already have.

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